When I was a young adult, prior to my marriage, there were times when I felt stressed or overwhelmed, but was determined to handle whatever situation it was by myself. Usually it was regarding a term paper, or lack of time to clean my apartment. These were things that were best handled alone anyway, and eventually I was able to find a sense of balance again.
There was nothing that prepared me for the overwhelm I felt when I was parenting my baby, who grew into a toddler, who grew into a preschooler…and at every state I was faced with overwhelm.
At first I thought I was supposed to “do it myself” and not ask for help. I thought if I asked for help it meant that I was a bad mom, that somehow I was not able to do it right, which was to do it alone. I struggled with tears – both my baby’s and my own – impatience, lack of time to get everything done, lack of esteem when people stopped by and my house was messy, irritation at my husband because I projected my shame of not fixing dinner for him every night (to his credit, he never criticized me for that!)
Asking for help was not an option, I thought.
How wrong I was.
I got to a point where I had to learn how to do it. I realized it wasn’t easy, and I felt guilty and ashamed when I did.
WHY?
We are taught to be independent, strong, and able. We take pride in our ability to be successful at our jobs, in relationships and our activities. Feeling overwhelmed and needy may feel like we’re flashing a neon sign that says, “FAILURE!”
But its not true. Think of the African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Its not a proverb for nothing. Its true. How can one person, with his or her own needs and wants, be expected to completely turn themselves over to the care of another being 24/7? While being a parent does include sacrifice for parts of our lives some of the time, it is challenging to parent well without help.
When I began practicing asking for help – and also accepting help that was offered – my life became more peaceful. I had to struggle with my beliefs of failure, imposition on others, obligation to reciprocate before the peace settled in, but it did, eventually, settle in.
I found there were neighbors, friends, relatives that were all willing and able and HAPPY to help with childcare, even for 20 minutes to run to the video store, to help with my own emotional support when I was at my wits end when I just needed a compassionate ear. I had a friend even come clean my house for me, joyfully, because it was supporting me to be a better mother.
What about if there really is no one to ask? I wonder how those of us with more resources could help those with fewer. But I also wonder is it really that there is “no one” to ask for help, or is it that most of us are scared to ask for it?
What do you think?